A couple of months ago we were loading up into the dinghy after a walk through St Michaels MD. The walk had been successful and we were able to find both milk, and a new sticker for our water cooler. A kind lady watched us load up and commented “wow, you sure fit a lot of people in the boat”. We had our usual two adults, three kids, and a golden retriever in our 11 foot tender, so it didn’t occur to us that this might be a lot. It also didn’t occur to us that this was a “boat”, so it took a second to register what she said. I think we replied with something offhandish like “it’s an adventure”.
She persisted. “Do you like it?”
Huh? What is she talking about? Do we like our dinghy? The dinghy that looks like it has a giant booger on its right side where we patched it? The dinghy that is usually the worst looking inflatable raft among all the shiny Highfields at the dock?
“Yeah, sure, we like it, It gets us to our boat”
That did it. Her mind was blown. Wasn’t this our boat? No, we have a bigger boat that we live on. This is our car. It’s name is Tot, which is leftover from when we were considering naming the other boat “Tater”.
To give you a full appreciation of what it’s like to travel around harbors in Tot, let’s do a little role playing. First, go out to your car and cut the top off. No, not just the roof like a convertible, the whole top. Everything down to the hood, including the windshield and the top half of each door. Next, the seatbelts have to go. Actually, while you’re at it, take away the seats too. You’ll be sitting on the tops of the doors as you drive, so you won’t need them. Come to think of it, weld the doors shut so you’re not tempted to get in and out by any means but climbing over the top. Next, punch out the headlights and taillights. You’ll replace those with a couple of flashlights that I’ll explain later. The steering wheel? Gone. Replace it with a stick. A stick that is behind you. You’ll need to steer with one hand behind your back. Brakes? Nope. You’ll need to anticipate a stop by letting off the gas and coasting.
Now we’re getting somewhere, but what you have left is still a bit luxurious. There are a few features you’ll need to add. Put about an inch of water in the bottom of the car so that everything you set down gets wet. Drive over a few nails so that you’re always battling at least one air leak in at least one tire. An open gas can will need to go in the trunk. Do this because you won’t be allowed to use the trunk anymore, and you will need to replicate the persistent smell of gasoline. Instead of a trunk, you’ll need to place any purchases in the bottom of your new “dinghy”…in that inch of water you added.
Ok, you’re ready to go for a spin, let’s go out to dinner to celebrate! The road you’ll be driving on is actually a shallow river bed. Wait, that reminds me, I forgot to have you remove the shocks! Gone. Ok, now you’re ready. As you zip up the river bed, you will feel every rock. This approximates a small wave, and each bump will be accompanied by a spray of water that will soak everybody. Soon a much larger vehicle, let’s say a semi truck, will pass you going the opposite direction. Pull over to the side of the river for a second while he goes by, because this is a one lane “road”. When you pull back in, the river will be rocking violently from where the truck churned up a bunch of waves, so you’ll get splashed even more.
You made it! You’re at the parking lot of the restaurant. There are no actual parking spots, and the lot is full of other cars. You’ll need to climb into those cars and put them in neutral so that you can move them around to make room. Nope, you don’t need to get out and push them…. you push them with your bumper causing them to move to the side and open up a space for you.
Well done, you’re parked, you deserve a drink! Not too many though, unless the kids are going to drive home. (That’s actually an option, by the way. shh.) After a beautiful sunset and a nice relaxing dinner, you’re ready to head back. First, you have to find your “car”. Even your gray turd of a vehicle is hard to spot in the dark, because somebody likely moved it trying to make their own parking spot…and they all look the same in the dark.
Once you’ve found yours “dinghy” and you’re settled in, dig out the flashlights. One is a flood light, which will be your headlights. The other one is your red/green navigation lights, which are as close as you’ll come to tail lights and blinkers. Have a coin handy? Good, flip it. If you get heads, the batteries in the flashlights will be dead and you’re playing navy seal in the dark. You got tails! Lucky you, you have lights tonight.
Heading back is similar to the way in, except that the waves are bigger and you can’t see them. So the big ones surprise you with a nice drenching. Oh, and you can’t see the edge of the riverbed (channel) either, so whoever is holding the floodlight will need to constantly scan around looking for hazards.
No worries, you made it back because you’re a pro! By “back”, I mean that you’re in the general area where your house is. Except that most of the houses look very very similar. Much like suburbia. Suburbia without roads and addresses to guide you to your house. Or streetlights. In fact, the only lights present are a single white “anchor light” at the top of each house. Is that one ours? Nope, that’s “Morado”. Morado is exactly the same model and color of your home, so it’s an easy mistake.
Eventually you find your home, because you’re not a total moron. You park two feet from the back step, and everybody has to climb over the hood and jump to the step to get inside. Everybody but you. Your work isn’t done yet. You can’t leave the “dinghy” just sitting there. Let’s pretend that the horn of your car goes off randomly if you haven’t put it in the garage. That’s similar to the noises a dinghy makes bumping around in the waves and current if you don’t put it up on the davits at night.
To get into your garage (the davits), you will need to attach two hoists to your car. One on the front, one on the back. However, the hoists are a few feet away from where you parked to let everybody off, so you have to maneuver over. Get your hands off the ignition…you don’t get to use the engine! Stand up and grab that rope hanging from the ceiling. Now, put the car in neutral and try to pull it over using the leverage of the rope…while you’re still standing in the car. The first hoist is within arms reach, and you’re able to grab it easily. Just pull on it to guide your car over to attach it to the hood. Ha ha..just kidding. You’re kid snuck in the car, started it, and put it in reverse while you weren’t looking. This approximates the current that you need to fight against to pull the dinghy over. No worries: you, like me, are in tip top physical condition, and that is by no means difficult for you. Rest easy, the second hoist is easier, because the one you attached to the hood keeps you from drifting too far away.
After the hoists are attached, you have to get out and into the house. You will need to take the same jump to the back step that everybody else made, except you’re now two feet to the side instead of lined up directly. For you, there is a giant stainless steel pole and the rear hoist solidly in your way. Oh, and the “car” is still drifting around a bit in the current, so it’s a moving target. You made it! You have yet to fall in while performing this feat, but your spouse has good money on that happening soon.
Done? Nope. You attached the hoists, but you need to get that sucker in the air so that it’s quiet for the night. If you had a newer boat, that would be the push of a button while you sip a beer and watch it rise. You do not have a newer boat. You need to pull each hoist by hand, using a winch handle when it gets too difficult. Sometimes your crew will have pity and come help, but this time they’re busy putting on dry clothes.
Once in the air, you will need to drain it of all the water that splashed in during your journey. To do this, lean gently over the back of the boat and grab the stopper that is in the drain hole. Lol. Just kidding. You can’t reach it that way. You need to balance yourself on the back beam of the boat and stretch to reach the plug. With your full body weight resting on your crotch, and your center of gravity favoring falling into the dinghy, you can now just barely get your fingers on it and pull it out. Your other option was to pull it while still in the water (but after the hoists were attached) causing about inches of water to enter the boat while you pulled it up. Your choice.
Now you really are done. Not all of that will happen every time, but it will all likely happen at one time or another. Go have another beer, you deserve it. And put some ice on your crotch, you get to put that plug back in tomorrow when you go into town for milk.